Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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