Four minutes until I can fart!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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