I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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