I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
