I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
