I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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