Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
