If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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