she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
