I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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