Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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