I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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