I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
