my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
