if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
