Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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