I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
