You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
