I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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