mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
