You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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