So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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