I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
