I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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