just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
