I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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