I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
