I accidentally had phone sex last night
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
