Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
