Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
