question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
