You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
