How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
