FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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