6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize