Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
