what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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