did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
