i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
