He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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