Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
