I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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