i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
