there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
