you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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