Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
