If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
