then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize