If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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