Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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