Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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