there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
