Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
