stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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