i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
