Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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