Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
