woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
