So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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