Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
