The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
