Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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