she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
