Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
