he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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