My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
