youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
