I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
