I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize